Never forget - In support of Mumsnet Miscarriage Care Campaign

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WARNING: If you have experienced a miscarriage you may find this post upsetting. 

I've always been honest on this blog and I've never shied away from talking about my depression. I thought this post would be the same. But since I decided to share my miscarriage story, in support of the Mumsnet Miscarriage Care Campaign, I have started to write this post numerous times. I have even finished it once or twice only to write it again the next day unhappy with my previous efforts.

My struggle to share my experience left me wondering (in true Carrie Bradshaw stylee) why is it so hard to talk about miscarriage. Why (according to a Mumsnet survey) did only 23% of women who miscarried talk about their experiences to their friends? Do we feel ashamed? Do we feel that we've let people down? Do we feel that we are not "woman enough" because we haven't been able to carry a baby full term? Are we worried of upsetting people? Are we worried that our friends won't know what to say? Are we worried that our friends don't want to support us through a miscarriage because they are worried that you might go into lots of gory details? I wish that none of the above was the case but I am afraid that it is.

In the spirit of honesty...to support a campaign I wholeheartedly commend and to encourage more women to feel that they can talk to people and ask for support when they have miscarried ...
 

This is my miscarriage story

Until I miscarried I really didn't know much about it. It is not really something that you spend hours researching on the internet! I certainly didn't realise that the baby could die inside me but my body would still think I was pregnant.

But this is what happened! I was 10 weeks pregnant and sent for an early pregnancy scan over 24 hours after presenting with bad tummy pains at A&E. I had been reassured by the A&E doctor that I didn't need to worry unnecessarily as the pregnancy test came back positive, my HcG levels were good, I wasn't bleeding and my pains had died down. 

The next day, I was shocked and heartbroken when the technician told me that the baby had not grown since 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat. My pregnancy was not viable. The technician then kindly explained the 3 options I had - wait it out and miscarry naturally, come into hospital and have surgery or come into hospital and have the miscarriage medically managed. I remember thinking that I wasn't old enough to make this decision (at the age of 34), that I just wanted my baby and that they should ask my parents to decide what I should do.

After a long evening of discussions with Mr H and hours reading the invaluable information provided by The Miscarriage Association we chose to have the miscarriage medically managed. Mr H kindly said that only I could really make the decision, as it was my body, but he would support me 100%. 

2 days later I was back in the hospital again to be told all about how my miscarriage would be handled, to sign forms and to receive the first part of my treatment. It was at this time that I received care that the Mumsnet proposed Miscarriage Code of Care is trying to prevent women receiving in the future. 

We were ushered in to see a male consultant. He obviously did not have adequate time to spend with us. Everything he said felt like one more thing he had to tick off his to do list. His comment: "at this point, I have to say that I'm sorry for your loss" was the least genuine and sympathetic expression I have ever heard in my life. He then followed this by referring to our baby, OUR BABY, as the "retained product of conception" and the loss of our baby, THE LOSS, as "the event". He sickened me! 

He then flippantly answered my questions in a nonsensical fashion. "It would hurt no more than a period" (I found labour easier, was offered pethidine for the pain all whilst being physically sick). "I wouldn't need to stay the night" (ummm...I did.... I was hooked up to a drip and Mr H and I were bunked up in a private room on the delivery suite). "I wouldn't bleed much" (not true). And my personal favourite: "no, you don't need any medication now. Go home and just turn up at any point on Friday and we'll deal with you." (15 minutes later and in a taxi on our way home I noticed numerous missed calls. As we thought, I had needed to take the first of my tablets and was asked to return to the hospital as soon as possible.)

Apart from a brief apology when we reappeared we never saw that horrible consultant again. Thank God. The ward matron ushered us into her office and apologised profusely. She gave me my tablet and then offered to answer honestly any questions we had. We went over everything again but this time we received compassionate and truthful answers. "Yes, it would hurt lots but you will be offered pain relief". "You will need to stay the night". "It will be hard but we will be here to help you get through it".

The matron offered to find us a private room with an ensuite bathroom and said she would phone us on Friday once this was organised. There was no need to come to the hospital until we had heard from her.  Sadly, the only private room they could find was on the Delivery Suite but we were ushered in quickly and so didn't catch sight of any pregnant ladies or new babies. 

The care we then received was brilliant. The midwives were kind, caring and professional. One midwife sat with me for 20 minutes and held me while I sobbed. And when the time came to stay the night they wheeled out the hospital bed and made up a double bed so Mr H and I could sleep cuddled up together. They understood that I needed my husband next to me the whole time. 

After that I decided to get back to normal life. I just wanted to move on. I didn't want to forget. I could never forget. And sometimes I wonder about the baby that wasn't meant to be. 

One in five pregnancies end in miscarriage and each miscarriage will be different and will affect those involved in different ways. But one thing that should be consistent is the quality of care that is offered to miscarrying women.

That is why I encourage you to support this campaign. For me and for the almost quarter of a million women who miscarry in the UK every year. To find out how you can show your support please go to the Mumsnet Miscarriage Care Campaign's home page.

Hugs

Mrs H 

xxxx

PS Mumsnet have produced a very touching video to highlight why this campaign is so important. Please take the time to watch it and share. Thank you. x